In her 50s, one mom faces change. She isn't the only one.
On a recent Saturday morning, I limped my way onto a Raleigh tennis court to play a doubles match. My knee had begun its rebellion two weeks before when I decided to start a beginner’s yoga class to stretch my inflexible and aging body. As I stood up from a chair later that evening, a sharp pain shot through my knee. I had been limping ever since.
This wasn’t the first time my knees had gone on strike to get my attention, but this time, at 54 years old, I dramatically concluded that the universe was sending me a message. This injury, I argued to my friends, was a metaphor for my new normal, a body that was breaking down, a career path that was no longer clear, and children who no longer needed me. Woe is me, as my mom would say.
“What am I going to do,” I asked anyone who would listen. One friend’s answer? “What do you want to do?” I stared blankly back at her.
This was my headspace when, after the tennis match, I started a conversation with one of our opponents, Julie. Walking to our cars, she told me how at 21 she underwent the first of 10 foot surgeries due to a genetic condition. The related nerve damage made it difficult for her to wear socks and shoes, forcing her to use a wheelchair much of the time.
On her 50th birthday, she received the gift she says saved her life: a diabetes diagnosis.
Two doctors took the view of “once a diabetic always a diabetic.” So she found a third one. He told her to lose 103 pounds and change her diet. After attending a conference on how to control diabetes, she began a vegan diet, started walking, jogging and playing tennis and lost the 103 pounds. Today, her diabetes is well within control, and she no longer uses a wheelchair.
“What a great story about how we can change our path,” I said. “It’s a story about women in their 50s,” she replied.
The question “What do you want to do?” is one many women in their 50s and beyond seem to be asking themselves.
After living in Florida for most of her life, my cousin, 52, and her family are moving to a new state. “I need a change,” she said. “I can’t live in this bubble anymore.”
After enduring a loveless marriage for nearly 30 years, another relative decided, on Valentine’s Day, that she wanted love. She left and is happier than I have ever seen her. One friend retired from her job and moved to Panama. Others have taken up painting and writing as outlets for creativity, an urge they had ignored for decades.
How women 50+ can choose what is next in their lives
What is it about entering their 50s that has led so many women I know to make major changes in their lives? To find out the answer, I turned to career coach Mandy Steinhardt.
“Often, what precipitates change is a major life event that either steals a lot of your time or opens up a lot of time,” said Steinhardt. “The kids are all off at college leaving you with an empty feeling, or perhaps you are caring for older family members and facing important endings. Maybe your job has become drudgery, and you are no longer motivated by the next promotion or project.
"It's important to revisit your goals often to make sure what you are working hard to achieve still makes sense for you and your family.”
But how do you do this? Steinhardt says that women at a crossroads can ask themselves the following questions to gain clarity on what they want from the next chapter of their lives.
- What are my values? Am I living them?
- Do I demonstrate these values based on how I spend my time?
- What are the various roles I try to fill and how are they in conflict with my values and each other?
- Who do I admire (and who am I jealous of)? What have they achieved that resonates with me?
- What would I do if I could stop doing only what I "should" do?
Steinhardt recommends journaling, meditating or just setting aside quiet time to answer these questions. The answers can lead to a new path that aligns with your interests and values today.
Focusing on acceptance and action in my 50s
This is the way I see it. I am at that proverbial fork in the road.
One road requires acceptance and action. My body may need a little extra love before I play tennis, but I can still play tennis. My career may not be what the 25-year-old me thought it would be, but it is just what I need to explore my creative side, which I have wanted to do for years. This is the road I choose.
Oh, what about the other one? The one where I sit down and let life happen to me. Yeah, I am not choosing that one.
Mindy is a public relations consultant, wife, and mother to Elias and Gabriel. She is also a struggling, but
enthusiastic, tennis player and mom to her cats Henry, Rory, Cookie and Nikki.
