The gift of grief: A guide to coping with loss during the holidays
“Lean into the grief.” Those were the words of advice from my newsroom manager at WRAL-TV, after my beloved mother died seven years ago.
At the time, I thought, “Are you crazy?” Why would I want to “lean into” so much pain?
My mother was my best friend. She was just 71 years old and still practicing real estate when she got sick and died. I didn’t want to “lean into the grief." I wanted to run from it, as far away from it as I could. I didn’t want to face life without my best friend, my confidant, my biggest cheerleader, my mother.
What I didn’t realize is that there is no escaping grief. You can’t hide. You can try, but grief will find you. It will show up in unexpected places disguised as anger, rage, confusion, forgetfulness, restlessness, depression, anxiety and the list goes on…
Back when my mom died, my father told me that you "must go through it.” There’s no detour. My dad promised me that I would get through it. I am reminding myself of those lessons as I cope with his death. My dad died in July.
This will be my first Christmas without my parents. I am a grown woman. I should be able to cope. Instead, I am sitting here ugly crying. I lost the two people who probably loved and cared about me the most.
After losing both parents, I now realize that my news manager was right. Leaning into grief does work. After my mom died, I went to grief counseling at Transitions Life Care in Raleigh. I also attended their workshops. It was really hard to unpack the feelings associated with the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), but it led to incredible healing.
One of my lowest points happened while driving home from a grief counseling session. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I had to pull over on the highway. I got out of my minivan and started screaming at the top of my lungs in the breakdown lane. I didn’t recognize the sound coming out of my mouth. It was primal and it made my ears ring. It was almost like I was possessed by grief and it was literally coming out of my body.
I think leaning into grief forces a person to feel the weight of the loss. It’s been said that grief is the price we pay for love. If “leaning in” allows us to surrender to love, then there really is no greater gift.
Here are some tools from Transitions Life Care that may help you during the holidays:
What can be done to cope with grief over the holidays?
The COPE acronym might be helpful in understanding the elements of good coping.
C: Compassion for self
O: Open communication
P: Planning
E: Engage in self-care
Compassion for self: Trust that – as with any other time of year – there is no right or wrong way to cope with grief around the holidays. It will be different for each person. The one key is to be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
Open communication: Be open with others about what your needs are. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to invitations if you are not ready for them. When being invited to events or parties, phrases such as “I hope to come but it is hard to predict what that day will be like for me” or “thank you for asking. I don’t think I’m ready yet, but please ask again” might help people to understand what you are feeling.
Planning: The holiday season can be very busy, with many invitations to consider. Since it can be hard to predict ahead of time how you might feel on any given day, plan ahead how you might manage events. It might be helpful to have a backup plan in case you need to leave an event early, or make a last minute change in plans. Decide ahead of time what your limitations are.
Engage in self-care: Perhaps you can manage the natural chaos of the season with interludes of emotional and spiritual respite (maybe take a quiet walk, listen to some soothing music, or relax in a warm bath). Another element of self-care may include reaching out to others for support when needed. This may be in the form of a trusted friend or loved one, a spiritual leader, or a grief counselor.
Coping with grief over the holidays takes work. It is not easy, and there will still be pain. But pain does not mean an absence of joy and hope. It is possible to feel a wide range of emotions. Remembering the COPE acronym can help manage the pain as it comes, and may help you to make room for hope and joy during this difficult time.
