Renee Chou: On Mother's Day and every day, remembering how to be a daughter too

This past Mother’s Day made me realize just how few days of the year I spend with my mother.

I was thrilled to be able to spend the holiday with her, as I have the past four out of five years. It works out well because it’s around the time of Elsa’s birthday which allows her to be part of both celebrations. But every year I probably see her, on average, for about 15 days. It comes out to two to three trips a year, either her coming to visit my family in Raleigh or us going to see her in Michigan.

That’s a really dismal number. I never thought about that … until my mother shared something with me about her own mother. We were at a salon on Mother’s Day, enjoying mother-daughter pedicures. Our conversation came to a quiet as we both focused on the nail techs gently massaging our feet with lotion.

Out of the blue, she says, “I think about my own mother a lot now.” (My grandmother died at the age of 68. That was 30 years ago. My mother was in her 40s when her mother died. And it was one of the few times I’ve ever seen my very strong, non-emotional mother cry.)

A daughter's wish

She took a long pause. I held my breath, unsure of what she was going to say.

She continued on in Mandarin: “I wish I could’ve spent more time with her, to make more memories with her. We were so far away (with my parents living in Michigan and my grandparents in Taiwan.) And when you and your brother were younger, money was tight. We worked a lot. We were so busy and tired.”

There was a stretch where my parents only went back to Taiwan every five years when my brother and I were growing up, because that’s all they could afford. Now that my parents have been retired for the past 10 years, they go back to Taiwan every year and take multiple international trips.

“Imagine if your grandmother was able to live longer. We would eventually have the means and the time to travel together, and have more experiences together. But that wasn’t meant to be. ”

I reached out and squeezed her hand, both of us our eyes all watery as nail polish was being applied to our toes. I didn’t know what to say, but understood everything that was said and unsaid.

How to do better

When I asked my mom if she wanted to get pedicures for Mother’s Day – she responded the way I thought she would. She said no, it would be a waste because she didn’t bring sandals, and she never wears sandals, so who would ever see her toes? And isn’t that a lot of money to spend if no one will see your toes? No, I think I’ll stay home, she said.

And then, 15 minutes later, she told me she changed her mind, that she would come with me after all. Something I learned that day – it was the second pedicure she’s ever had in her LIFE! The first was the night before her wedding, 50 years ago.

I think my mom sharing a deeply personal reflection about her mom was her way of telling me how much she appreciated making a memory with me – in this case, getting Mother’s Day pedicures.

I know her intent was not to make me feel guilty about the time I spend with her. But what she said resonated with me and started me thinking about how I could do better with the time I do have with my mom.

I couldn’t help but notice on Mother’s Day that more and more friends on Facebook were posting tributes to their moms who are no longer here on this earth. They all say they wish they could have a chance for one more meal together, one more trip, one more hug. They write about how much they miss hearing their mom’s voice on the phone.

I’m so lucky to still be able to visit with my mom, hug her and talk with her.

Making the time

And yet I don’t talk to my mom every day. (Although, she’s not one to chat on the phone, nor am I, so it’s fine.) I call her once a week, but sadly, there are some weeks that get busy and I forget to call. I need to make it a priority. In fact, I should call her more than once a week and I’ll start doing that – now.

My mom is not one to demand any attention on her. She always says she knows I’m busy, that she’s happy to hear from me or see me whenever I’m available. But I should never be too busy for mom.

Now that I am mid-career, with seniority and more means to travel … I should visit her more often, even if it’s just a weekend, even if it’s just me (although I know she always wants to see Elsa!) My mom’s 76. Her health is OK, but every time I see her, she’s a little bit weaker, her steps a little bit slower. One day, I will likely be taking care of her … and eventually, I will be missing her terribly.

My life is so focused on being a mom that I hope I haven’t forgotten how to be a daughter. Fortunately, I still have time to be a better one -- not just on Mother’s Day, but every day.

Renee Chou, WRAL-TV morning anchor, is the mother of one. You can find her monthly on Go Ask Mom and all of the time on her Facebook page.