Modern children's birthday party etiquette
As a fairly new parent, I have suddenly found myself thrust into the world of children’s birthday parties. I’m now hosting them, attending them, and feeling utterly clueless about children’s birthday party etiquette.
Back when I was a kid in the late eighties and early nineties, birthday parties seemed a lot simpler. You played a game of pin-the-tail on the donkey, ate cake and ice cream, opened presents, and if someone really went all out, there might be a pinata with a bunch of candy. Easy enough. Now it seems like birthday parties have gotten a bit more complicated.
How much should you spend on a party?
I saw a New York Times article recently about a toddler’s birthday party that cost $75,000! Who was that party really for? The toddler or the parents? Bringing it a bit more local, a local company rents pieces of life-size construction equipment for all of your construction themed birthday party needs. How much? A mere $450 for four hours plus $3 a mile for delivery.
Even a friend of mine secretly admitted that in the past, between rental spaces, food, cake, decorations, and goody bags, she has spent upwards of $1,000 on each of her kids’ birthday parties. I thought this sounded nuts until I researched some popular party venues for my own child’s upcoming birthday, and saw how quickly the costs could add up. The more I deep dived into children’s birthday parties, the more questions I had. I turned to my hivemind of mom friends for the lowdown, and they came through with the info and advice I needed to survive the next onslaught of birthday parties without breaking some unknown faux pax.
Ways to keep it simple
Some parents I know have started fighting back against the outrageously expensive over-the-top kid’s birthday party. The same friend who used to bankroll thousand dollar birthday parties, has since decided to do simpler “retro style” birthday parties at home and put that money towards a family trip. Although admittedly her idea of a simple party is Pinterest worthy to me. She hosted a Kitty Cat themed party where each little guest went through the steps to adopt and care for a feline stuffed animal.
Another friend of mine decided to send out texts on her daughter’s birthday to meet up for pizza, cupcakes, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles, outside a local ice cream shop (and bottle shop!) She stipulated no gifts. And guess what? The kids had a total blast, and so did the parents.
Meals are now the norm
More often though, gone are the days of just cake and ice cream. Now it seems that an entire meal should be provided. A friend noted that she went to a kid’s birthday party with a catered lunch that left her feeling like her own food game was grossly inadequate. I can definitely relate to this. For my daughter’s second birthday party I provided cupcakes, fruit salad, cheese, crackers, and juice, but the kids who attended were literally starving and begging for more. I felt terrible as I had mistakenly expected that everyone would just go home for lunch after the party. I had clearly dropped the ball.
My mom squad agreed that a meal is now the norm if the birthday party is anywhere in the neighborhood of breakfast, lunch, or dinner, meaning pretty much any time of day you choose.
And that cake? Over the top custom made theme cakes or cupcakes are now more common than the homemade, or in my case box cakes, of yore. I’ve been pretty dang impressed with some of the cake art that I’ve seen (move over Cake Boss!) but the price tag generally corresponds with the wow factor.
Presents not necessary (or are they?)
Gift giving has long been the expectation for attending a child’s birthday party, and that largely hasn’t changed. So what about the parent who doesn’t want any more toys cluttering their house? Increasingly, parents have noted either “presents not necessary,” or “please no gifts,” on their party invitations. But do they mean it, or will you feel like a tool when you are the only one to show up empty handed?
Popular opinion is that it depends on the wording.
If the invite reads “presents not necessary,” then it is wise to show up with at least something small like a book. If the invite reads “please no gifts,” the parent likely means what they say, but party-goers are still likely to ignore it. To avoid unneeded gifts, some parents are contemplating adding a link to an Amazon wish list to their birthday evites. While again, this may come across as presumptuous, it would admittedly ensure that the recipient receives something that they actually want, and don’t already have.
The best bet in my estimation is the experience gift, whether it be a gift certificate to a local ice cream establishment, a local playplace, or for a larger gift from a family member, a membership to somewhere like a zoo. These are all thoughtful gifts that won’t take up any valuable space. The trend of the $5 party is starting to catch on as another gifting alternative, with invitations requesting $5 in lieu of a gift so that the birthday kid can pick out what they want. I personally struggle with the idea of requesting money, but it could certainly be argued that $5 is less than people would spend on a regular present.
To open or not open the gifts
The first thing I noticed when I started attending children’s birthday parties is that gifts are generally no longer opened at the party in front of the guests. I definitely didn’t get the memo on this one in time for my daughter’s first birthday, and felt terrible for boring all those guests to tears while we opened gift after gift. The popular consensus is that it’s boring for the other kids in attendance, that it runs the risk of stigmatizing any child who doesn’t bring a gift, or of the recipient not showing the appropriate enthusiasm or gratitude for things they don’t like. I get it, but would venture that I always loved watching my friends open the gifts that I carefully picked out for them. A friend of mine, who also fondly remembered watching friends open her gifts, made it an optional activity at the very end of her child’s party. She welcomed anyone who liked to stick around afterwards to watch the presents be opened. Apparently, everyone elected to stay. Not a bad compromise!
Thank you notes
Which brings us to thank you notes. If you don’t get to see the recipient's reaction while opening their gift, surely you’ll get a thank you note detailing how much they like and appreciate it right? Not necessarily so. Many modern parents recall being forced by their own parents while growing up to write the litany of thank you notes, and don’t want to compel their own children to do so. They especially don’t care for the added chore of writing thank yous on behalf of their small children who don’t yet write. I have taken up the practice of the fill-in-the-blank thank you notes for my young children, but it appears most parents no longer expect to get them. The problem is that older relatives and family friends most certainly do, and will be put out when they don’t receive one.
I have a newborn and a toddler, and somehow neglected to send out one of my thank you notes. I heard about it through the family grapevine and remedied the oversight post haste. For younger generations, the expectation of a thank you note is the rare exception rather than the rule. I personally make a point to assure young parents that thank yous are not necessary to send us, I don’t want to add yet another thing to their plates. What people do seem to appreciate however, myself included, is a quick text with a picture of the child and their gift.
Another practice gaining momentum is parents opting to put a universal thank you note into the take home goody bag.
Swag bags
Ah, the goody bag. Children love and even seem to expect them, but aren’t they just a terrible waste of money for the small trinkets that will likely just be thrown away? Can parents just band together to universally eliminate the goody bag, or at least replace it with something that won’t soon be deposited in the trash? Several parents are making moves on this, and I’d like to think that I’m one of them.
For my daughter’s first music themed birthday I sent our guests home with the musical shakers and dancing scarves that they used during the party. For her second birthday I sent home on-theme Cocomelon boxes of play-doh.
A friend of mine reported sending home masks and capes for her son’s superhero themed party, and water bottles and whistles for her son’s sports party. I can’t say that the whistles earned her any new friends though! My favorite party favor by far were the decorated wrapped cookies a friend of mine gave to the guests of her son’s party. Not only were they appreciated by the kids and parents alike, but as a consumable they didn’t take up any space in my house!
Should you be expected to plan for siblings to come too?
Birthday parties are starting increasingly young, with toddlers routinely having parties, and not just for family either. Inviting the entire class is increasingly the norm, and parents often feel pressured to invite the children of all their friends. If this didn’t already make for large birthday parties, there is the possibility of siblings coming along as well. Understandably, parents often want to bring their other children with them to birthday parties, especially if childcare isn’t readily available. However, all these guests could make for a rather overwhelming experience for a small birthday celebrant, and many party venues have guest limits at that.
Should you be expected to have extra food and party favors for any siblings who come in tow?
I got some mixed opinions on the matter of siblings, but my personal strategy is to address the invitation specifically to the intended guest. You still run the risk of parents bringing tag along siblings, but it can help cut down your numbers. For venues that charge by the child, I would make a note on the invitation that any additional siblings will need to be paid for by their parent. If you are the parent with additional kids you’d like to bring along, just be sure to check with the party host first to make sure it's okay.
Should I stay or should I go?
All these kids can make for a lot of parents in attendance too, and many party hosts are planning accordingly by offering adult friendly beverages, and the opportunity to socialize. At what age are parents expected to stay at the party, and at what age are they cleared to do a drop and run? That age seems to have gotten quite a bit older since I was a kid. I remember parents clearing out as early as my kindergarten birthday parties. Now parents are generally expected to stay and help monitor their children until their kids are at least pre-teens (think around fifth grade,) especially if it’s a pool party.
We live in an increasingly litigious society, so having parents present helps mitigate the risk party hosts face, especially where hazardous party activities like bounce houses are concerned. (Don’t even get me started on the WWF wrestling rings for children that are bounce houses!) Personally, I think it’s great that other parents are there to help with crowd control, but please, please monitor your children, this is not your opportunity to totally check out parenting. When in doubt about whether you need to stick around, consult the party host in advance.
Stick to what is best for your family
I blame much of the self-imposed expectations around perfect kid’s parties on Pinterest, and I say that as a victim myself. I found myself researching how to make napkins into Minnie Mouse style bows for my soon to be three year olds birthday party. I think I’ve gone down the rabbit hole. The bottom line is, even if some of the norms around birthday parties have changed since we were growing up, you should still do what feels best for your family and budget.
