Life coach: Finding your ideal self

Recently, I and several others had the honor of speaking to more than 100 high school teen girls at an event.

My colleagues and I hoped to empower these young women to identify what was causing the hesitation in their lives.

Asia Joyner encouraged them to see themselves with #NoFilter.

Normally, teens use filters to make themselves seem more “perfect” on social media. Joyner challenged that these imperfections are actually what makes them unique. Teens need to see themselves beyond the filters on social media.

“What people show on social media is only a highlight reel, and while it may seem that everyone has it all together, it is important to remember that progress is more important than perfection,” she said. “Learning that growth is a lifelong journey of understanding and loving yourself in all of the phases of one’s journey.”

Finding isolation on social media

Filters are just one way that teens seek to find belonging on social media.

As humans, we seek connectedness with others. We have a need to belong – a fundamental human desire to feel a part of something. Belonging means that you feel like you fit in and have the courage to be yourself.

Social networks like Instagram or TikTok are impactful because they create a strong sense of belonging and community. They can, if used well, even contribute to lowering our stress levels.

However, they can also cause a digital environment filled with opportunities for vulnerability. Social media has increased the chance of shame-harmful interactions. Teens can make passive-aggressive and hurtful comments online or exclude peers digitally.

One of the hazards that often happen online is ghosting.

Ghosting is the tactic of ignoring someone in order to end a relationship without any conversation or explanation, according to a New York Times article.

While growing apart can be in a friendship’s natural evolution, ghosting cuts this process short. Instead of communicating as a friendship shifts, it ends abruptly and without apparent reason.

Research has shown that social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain that physical pain does. However, with ghosting, there’s no closure. There are no direct healing paths. Instead, you are often left to question yourself and your choices, wondering what you did wrong.

Being ghosted can sabotage self-worth and self-esteem.

Ghosting isn’t new, Tori Willis Miller added while speaking to the girls at the event. Ghosting is the equivalent of someone not returning a phone call, voicemail, answering machine message, or email.

It’s vital that teens know how to best respond to this online hazard. Teens can safeguard against ghosting by:

• Watching how people treat others. Their treatment towards others online could indicate how they will treat you.
• Know that if someone ghosts you, it’s not your fault. If someone ghosts you, that behavior says more about them than you.
• Pace online relationships and set clear expectations for them.
• If you are ghosted, validate the hurt it brings. Acknowledge the difficulty the sudden ending has caused.

Finding belonging within

Online challenges are so prevalent because of the secrecy the screen provides. Time and time again, teens can have their confidence knocked down online.

Teens are unlikely to come to an adult first when they are faced with adversity or challenging situations like this.

Because of this, it’s important to equip teens with the skills to face difficulties. Teens need to be taught early on how to have self-confidence, self-awareness, resilience, and positive self-talk to find their #idealself.

As the session with the high school girls drew to an end, we came back to the idea of belonging. We encouraged teens to look inward to develop confidence. True belonging comes from within.

We encouraged the teens to lift themselves up when they don’t feel like they fit in. These mantras can remind teens of who they are outside of the negativity on social media:

• “I have the courage to stand alone when I need to! My worth and belonging should not be negotiated with other people. I know who I am, I am clear about that, I will not negotiate that with you!”
• “If I choose to fit in, I will no longer belong to myself! You should not be willing to do anymore to belong.”

Information in this article was inspired by writings from both Brene Brown and Annie J. Santarelli.

Gale McKoy Wilkins is a wife, mom, grandparent and family life coach. She is the founder of Project Arrow, an evidence-based peer-to-peer and leadership program teaching middle, high school and first-year college students how to deal with trauma and crisis using life coaching. It's the first life coaching organization in the state to receive funding from the Department of Public Instruction and the first to implement life coaching in a school setting.