How to get through the holidays when you have lost a loved one

"Someone doesn't die until you stop speaking their name"

The holiday season, usually a time for merrymaking and togetherness, can also be a period of heightened sadness and isolation for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Familiar traditions and gatherings, once sources of warmth and comfort, now serve as stark reminders of the space left by their absence.

Kalia Curry, WRAL audience engagement producer, understands this pain firsthand after losing her mother in September 2021. Curry emphasizes the importance of openly discussing one's cherished memories to cope with loss.

"I think a lot of times people don't talk about grief enough and try to avoid the subject," Curry said. "But bringing up their memories and the things they did while alive can honor your loved one."

Curry, who was an only child, misses her mother every day. However, she says these feelings are particularly intense during the holidays, especially Mother's Day.

"It's really hard for me around the holidays," Curry said. "Especially around Mother's Day, you appreciate the calls and texts from people, but it's a big reminder for me of her not being here anymore; it feels like it's a big gap."

According to Curry, upholding holiday traditions, such as baking a cake or engaging in conversations about past experiences with family and friends, help her manage the holiday season.

"My mom and I were very close," Curry says. "I think it's important to talk about the things you miss about them. My aunt and I continue traditions that honor her and talk about her a lot."

She also says, "Someone doesn't die until you stop speaking their name."

Curry adds that, for her, one of the most important steps in getting through the holidays is avoiding or monitoring how much time she spends on social media because it can trigger negative emotions.

"I feel like social media can trigger sadness and loneliness, so if possible, I would avoid it on those holidays," Curry said. "Sometimes, when I would see others posting pictures of their mothers, I would get sad and wonder why my mother was gone while others were still enjoying theirs."

Durham native Brittney Jenkins, a mother of three children, lost her husband of 10 years in a car accident in 2019, two days before Christmas. She says one thing she had to do was stay off social media because it was a consistent reminder of her loss.

"I removed at least two social media apps off my phone after he died," Jenkins said. "We are a social media-driven society, but when you are going through tragedy, that is the last thing you need to look at.

Jenkins said scrolling on Facebook and seeing people post family pictures would have her more depressed.

"I would get on and see someone post a family picture and immediately get sad, especially near that holidays," Jenkins said.

She strongly recommends staying off social media and digging into your faith (if you have one), which will really help out in those hard times.

"My faith in God got me through those dark days," Jenkins said. "I still have moments where I miss him and get sad, but knowing he is with God and looking over us gives me some type of peace.

How to get through the holidays while grieving

If you or someone you know are grieving during the holiday season, here are some helpful tips to help get through this potentially painful period of time.

• Acknowledge your grief. It's important to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you are feeling, whether it's sadness, anger, loneliness or guilt. Don't try to bottle up your emotions or pretend that you're okay when you're not.
• Talk to someone you trust. Talking about your grief can help you process your emotions and feel less alone. Talk to a friend, family member, therapist or grief support group.
• Set boundaries. It's okay to say no to holiday invitations or decline to participate in traditions that are too painful for you. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to.
• Create new traditions. If your old holiday traditions are too painful, consider creating new ones. This could involve spending the holidays with different people, doing different activities, or giving back to your community in memory of your loved one.
• Take care of yourself. Ensure you get enough sleep, eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. It's also important to avoid alcohol and drugs, which can worsen your grief.
• Find ways to honor your loved one's memory. This could involve lighting a candle in their memory, sharing stories about them or donating to a charity in their name.
• Be patient with yourself. Grief is a process, and it takes time to heal. Don't expect to feel better overnight.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you're struggling to cope, reach out to a friend, family member or professional for support.