Go Ask Dad: The existence of Santa Claus
Ostensibly, “Go Ask Dad” is an advice column, although if you have been following my writing, you know that most of my parenting wisdom is gleaned from my mistakes.
For serious questions, I go to the experts. Here is the evidence mounted by a formidable group of kindergartners at my church in defense of the existence of Santa Claus.
Exhibit A: Testimonial Evidence
They told me that three first-graders reported unidentified flying streaks across the night sky last Christmas Eve. First-graders.
Exhibit B: Forensic Evidence
One child reported that, last year, she discovered cookie crumbs left in the plate. Ah, you say, anyone could have eaten those …
But these cookies were oatmeal cookies and everyone in her family hates oatmeal cookies!
Exhibit C: Further Testimony
Parents all confirm the existence of Santa. And collectively, their parents agree on nothing else.
Exhibit D: Scientific Evidence
Time is relative, as Einstein proved, and kindergartners know. Just think of how long they have to wait for Christmas morning! By logical extension, the space-time continuum allows Santa to make all the deliveries in a single evening.
Exhibit E: DNA evidence
Santa’s reindeer can fly. They are born that way.
Exhibit F: Circumstantial Evidence
Amazon delivers packages on the front steps all year long and they don’t even have flying reindeer.
While familiar with those deliveries, I questioned the use of circumstantial evidence, which may not bear the weight of scrutiny in a court of law or, in this case, public opinion. Another child shook her head: “You ask too many questions.”
Duly chastised, I left them to more immediate matters — the playground — and, as is written in the holy script of Alice in Wonderland, resolved to believe these six impossible pieces of evidence before breakfast.
That evening, I reported my findings to my own first-grader. He nodded wisely, “Besides, the presents always get here on time, and I just don’t think you, Dad, could pull it off.”
The defense rests its case.
