Alzheimer's: Making Mistakes
Lest my previous blogposts have given you the illusion that I always navigated Mom’s dementia with success, let me assure you, I’ve messed up A LOT. One night aptly illustrates that point.
When my daughter was young – either in preschool or elementary – I thought it would be a lovely idea to take her and Mom to see a ballet together. When I was little, Mom had taken me to “The Nutcracker” several times. That was my only experience with attending ballet, and I thought it would be a good adventure for the three of us.
I figured classical music would be calming, and Alicia would delight in seeing the ballerinas in their beautiful costumes. She had been obsessed with ballet since the age of two. So, I got tickets to “The Sleeping Beauty.”
We had dinner at home and then got ready to head downtown. Alicia had a meltdown – she had had a long day at school. At that point in Mom’s Alzheimer’s journey, her generally patient temperament with Alicia was anything but. Mom got upset, Alicia got upset, and I had to play referee. Tears were shed, but we managed to get out the door.
The ballet started around 7:30 p.m., already getting late for a young child. And I had not done my research, completely unaware that “The Sleeping Beauty” is one of the longest ballets in history. (Okay, I’m exaggerating, a bit, but I think you see where this is heading.)
The dancers were lovely, but the dances went on and on as the night got later and later. Mom was tired; Alicia was getting antsy. I was strung as tight as a harp string, worried one of them would blow, wondering how I should handle the night that was not turning out as planned. Alicia finally laid her head in her Nana’s lap.
I’m generally one who always stays to the bitter end of anything, no matter what, because that’s what people are “supposed” to do. However, as I watched the two of them continue to flag, I wondered if we should simply go home. I honestly don’t remember if we made it to the end of the ballet now, but I do remember the very important lessons I learned that night.
If something is not working, it’s okay to give up or change course. My idea had been a fine one. But it was clear early in the evening that it was not working. A matinee would have been a better choice. Learning more about the length of the ballet would have been wise. Planning to only attend the first act could have been a good decision.
To be clear, Carolina Ballet’s performance was outstanding. I had simply misjudged my personal audience’s capacity.
I tried so hard to plan well, but I missed the mark on multiple occasions, especially early on.
There were times we took our weekend trips to the mountains with Mom and upon arrival she was out of sorts. Sometimes she settled, sometimes she did not. I frequently worried I had done too much with her. And eventually she did get to the point where even a brief stay at the familiar mountain house was too discombobulating, and we had to stop.
I worried, at times, that I had overdone Alicia. She went through phases when being around Mom was very difficult for her. Alzheimer’s is a lot for an adult to handle, and I was sensitive that could be magnified for a child. I made visits without Alicia, so I could get time with Mom but not overexpose my daughter when she was struggling particularly hard with no longer having the Nana she knew.
I also wanted to give myself a respite from the juggling between the two of them. So I could relax and enjoy Mom while only thinking about my own feelings.
Do I have doubts about how I handled many things? Yes.
But I try to let that go. The past is gone, I was doing the best I could.
Again, my North Star was always keeping me, Mom and Alicia connected, and those goals were achieved. Not perfectly, but I’m human and life is messy.
Helpful Resources:
Andrea Osborne is Capitol Broadcasting Company’s director of content. She has a daughter in college and recently lost her mother who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She will be sharing her family’s journey here on WRAL’s family section.
