Ask Laura: What do I do when my teen has strict technology limits, but his best friend doesn't?

In this monthly series, social media expert and Durham mom Laura Tierney, founder of The Social Institute, answers your questions about social media and kids.

Posted 2:00 a.m. Dec 13, 2017 — Updated 2:00 a.m. Dec 13, 2017

Laura Tierney

Editor's note: In this monthly series, social media expert and Durham mom Laura Tierney, founder of The Social Institute, answers your questions about social media and kids. If you have a question for Laura, email her at contact@thesocialinst.com.

Question

My 14-year-old son’s best friend, who is 14, has a smartphone, a gaming console, and access to a family computer. When they hang out at his house, all they do is play video games and go online. There are no screen time limits and very little parental oversight. I know this because my son comes home and tells me. We have very strict rules around technology at our house, so this is not OK. What do I do?

Answer

This one is tricky — you don’t want to keep your son from spending time with his best friend, but you don’t feel comfortable knowing they are online and playing video games for (potentially) hours at a time with very little supervision. You’re going to have to have two conversations: One with the other parents and one with your son.

Start by initiating a conversation with his friend’s parents.

Reassure them that when their child is at your house, you'll be expecting him to follow certain standards you have in place. (See the list below for ideas.) Likewise, you’d like for your child to follow their standards when he’s at their house.

Say something like, "I'd feel a lot better if I was familiar with what you enforce at your house because our kids love hanging out.” If they they don’t have standards or tech limits in place, consider taking them through this list of questions:

What devices can kids use at their house?
Is it a parent's device or one owned by the child?
Are there parental controls set on the devices?
Are the kids talking to friends or strangers when they're gaming?
How much screen time is allowed (and are breaks enforced)?
What if they come across inappropriate content? What's the guideline?
What if they are bullied?

The answers will give you an idea of the situation your son is experiencing when he plays at his friend’s house. And the questions may inspire his friend’s parents to set their own standards. Need more ideas about ways to set tech limits that benefit everyone in the house? Check out The Social Institute’s social media standards.

Next, talk to your son about inappropriate content that he may encounter online. As Marty Klein, author of “Sexual Intelligence” says, “If you’ve never talked to your kids about sex, you’re behind schedule.”

Regardless of the standards you have at your house, your son may be exposed to all kinds of things. Now kids can see inappropriate photos or play games with strangers while riding to school on the bus. They can by cyberbullied at church or watch dirty videos at a park. So, it's more important than ever to have one of The Conversations all parents dread: The one about risqué photos and videos. Call it “pornography.” Call it “inappropriate.” Call it whatever, but our kids must, at a very young age, be comfortable talking with you about it.

And when they do, keep your cool. Listen. Avoid over-reacting.

In 2017, Penn State reported on a study about how kids want to talk to their parents about online risks but fear "parental freak outs." They don't want their devices taken away just because they saw some stuff they were unsure about and then asked mom or dad about it. Proactively talk to your son and don't overreact when he DOES come to you. It's a major trust-building moment.

It’s not easy, but it might be easier knowing you have just three things to cover:

Assure your son that whatever he’s feeling, it does not make him a bad person. It’s natural to be interested in sexual behavior (depending on your child’s age).
Pornographic images do not portray real people having real sex in real relationships.
He can ask you about anything his sees, not just the inappropriate stuff.

When your child goes over a friend’s house with zero tech limits, it’s best to keep the lines of conversation open. Talk regularly about technology and discuss standards with both your child and his friend’s parents.

Laura Tierney is founder and president of The Social Institute, a Durham-based company that teaches students nationwide positive ways to handle one of the biggest drivers of their social development: social media. Laura, a digital native who got her first phone at age 13, went on to become a four-time Duke All-American, Duke’s Athlete of the Decade, and a social media strategist for leading brands. She also recently became a mom.

Suggest A Correction